Saturday, November 06, 2010

gone daddy gone

i have an absent father.

i have a very present step-dad who i love muchly, and even tho he and my glamorous mother parted ways in the 80s, he is the man i call dad... the man i will spend xmas day with and the man who potters in my garden when he visits... he is a lovely lovely man.

the problem i have is because my dad.01 has been absent for much of my life, i have always felt a lack of something... i worry sometimes that i have textbook daddy issues! haha i mean did i make bad choices in men because of this guy? i sure seemed to pick some unsuitable types when i was a young girl... but maybe all girls do this? did everyone have as steep a learning curve? or did i get a tough ride seeking unavailable men? i do believe that every action in life has a reaction, the ripple effect of this man sharp-exiting my life is surely considerable? i read in a magazine when just a teen (uh-oh!) that i was a rejection-junkie; a passive-aggressive commitment-phobe because of the rejection i experienced as a child... (yikes! that mag needed an age restriction...)

and yet, *grown up face* i do not care to know someone who doesn't care to know me... there's only so much rejection a girl can take!

it's an emotional merry-go-round that's for sure.

i think it's pretty shameful behaviour to leave a little girl (and a baby brother) to carry on in this big bad world without her daddy... but maybe he thought i'd be better off without him, low self-esteem sure has a lot to answer for in my life! and i had a very lovely granddad who stepped in to be the father figure before my mum got me dad.02 so don't feel too sorry for me folks, that's not the point of this scribbling at all!

what makes it all worse is the fact that somehow thru some sherlock holmes work by my little bro i was reunited with this man in the 90s... I was 22 i think... we exchanged numbers... we didn't keep in touch! i know that i was angry with him, hence my lack of effort... but i'm only human! i expected too much from this first meeting... i wanted him to explain why he hadn't been in my life for all that time... he didn't give me an answer, what answer could he give me? it's a painful memory... a missed opportunity... and now he is gone again :(

people in my life including my younger bro (the only other person who can relate to my situ direct) suggest it's his loss, why lose sleep over it, and i can buy that theory... i just don't feel it! it feels like unfinished business... i don't want to not know my dad! and yet i have a perfectly functioning step-dad thing going on... it's not about replacing him... it's about knowing the man who is responsible for my being here... i suppose i can choose to forget about him... perhaps its indicative of something else going on in my life that i feel this lack...

maybe i just think too much. actually i know that this to be the case! give myself headaches all the time. i should give myself a break! ;)

i worry that this is classic over-share... but i would welcome your thoughts if you have any on the subject...

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